Hey, Dean Young!
This morning, at the Centre for Habitual Procrastination,
today's meeting - the one that is definitely,
definitely happening today - is now officially underway.
The complaints desk at the Institute of Chronic Dissatisfaction
is due to open at noon. All queries relating to the greener grass
towards the rear of the building will be addressed within.
Later this afternoon, at the Academy of Awkward Poetry,
day-pass holders are expected to wander aimlessly,
confused about the direction in which they are heading.
Reading Jackie Magazine
Experiencing a sugar-low, an all-female group of authors
found they did not write maudlin lyrics when their hearts
were broken in two. Putting pen to paper, the writers
volunteered punishments for the male conspirators, each
suitably bizarre. Arcane prose unravelled to expose social
phobias. ‘But you have to write about it in a detached way,'
one said. ‘The less vivid and descriptive the piece, the better.'
Paracetamol was hidden from a friend's mother. The quality
of the verse written has no bearing on the effect on the reader.
Hi, How Are You?
This guy said he met God. I think his name was Molly, an illustrator who
bounced around a nightclub on Edgware Road. Molly spent his entire life
hesitating at the entrances of supermarkets, wondering whether the automatic
doors would slide for him on each visit.
Eventually, they always did.
Molly's suspicion extended to the toilets within a building. Before entering,
to confirm he had chosen the room with the appropriate symbol, he would stop
to check each door sign, with another sideways glance as he passed through.
But Molly was suspicious of many things: broadsheet newspapers, peroxide
blondes, vegetarians who still ate fish. Molly told me he had much to say to
God at the time of their first meeting, but in the end was happy to settle
for one long, awkward silence.
Menagerie ą trois
1. Using a sling
harness, remove the animal carefully.
Blindfold this majestic creature and drive away.
Prepare a large room, the size of a small field.
2. The dolphin will
not last a week living in the bath;
it does not enjoy swimming. The otter is happier in
the chest freezer. The otter's face is on a mask I wear.
3. On the floor,
paint the stars, each a different colour.
Play soft sounds and whale music into the room.
When the giraffe awakens it will be confused.