An Effect

train of thought, it's going, it won't stop
although there are interruptions,
pick it up, move it along, look to
the continuity checker
those expectational trails
related to time
and scenes, scenarios
necessary or just possible
did he put a deadline on it
but if he or she is expecting
and if one must make excuses
our arrangements
does one come comported
or are you just not ready
perhaps it passed you by
you were there, but you weren't quite
perhaps not a time for much to say
or they might give you lots of space
and you might be wondering, how come, why
is there something we need to know
or understand about all this
didn't you grasp it already
not quite top marks
the sound of a word
correlated with its meaning
although meanings can change
that doesn't actually mean
what it used to
the reals and the nominals
you know you've got to work at it
it doesn't just fall into place
first thought but reedit
catch it in the flow
though one is always prone
as it were
to blurt the odd thing out
as if it were a failing
which of course one concludes
it is, must be
was I out of place
to listen to her too closely, acutely
somewhat taken in, embarrassed
by how it affected
was I getting over that
wrong step




Prerogatives

what one does
physicality, words, emotion
although perhaps more metaphysical
what do you want
submission, domination, equitability
I might if you might
but then you can always say no
and I'll try not to take it badly
nothing quite like being thwarted
unless again I was wrong
to want it in the first place
the image and the reality
you had visions of, well?
and you're making toast or hash browns
what was that all about
said you would
then changed your mind
one's prerogative
I have a headache
is there some kind of synergy
or is that just my foolish
transferred projection
you don't need me
you only keep it going
because I've been so insistent
and you were often reluctant at that
it may really come down to
what you say and what you mean
I don't even know
if it's necessarily about being pleased
or just going on
permissions, you let me in,
you shut me out, ditto
I'm not the one for you
not your sort of people
who do they let in
around here
I wasn't invited
wouldn't know what to say anyway
fumbling, distracted, drifting
you're an exclusive club, even if a cheaper one
you've got to say the right words, the magic words
and if on the other hand
it's just too easy
but something about you might draw me in




The Case

efficacy
getting from A to B
the obscurities and imponderabilities
experience
shaping events
like some trauma
or breakthrough
or just steady reassurance,
reinforcement
or rite of passage
why did I
how can I
got accepted or rejected
more of this, less of this
and you just took it
and kept going
and now your behaviour
is a template
for everywhere you've ever been
and what you've been through
hopes and fears
maybe you're left with
not hoping for very much
unless it's just an antidote
perhaps a delusory one
for the fears
like a placebo
the cure is
worse than the disease
happiness, success
why aren't you making it
perhaps your buddies shut you out
and why was that
broke some rule or other
tacit or unwritten
or just failed to conform
to expectations
all those well considered
judgments they have of you
like common prejudice
walks like, talks like
law out of cases
particularities, specificities,
precedents
might have judged wrongly




Wrong

certain misunderstandings
how they arise
perhaps because she formed
an erroneous impression
and wouldn't let go
despite all evidence to the contrary
if she thought it said it
it must be so
you must conform
I'm not about to lose face
over a minion like you
and then it was back
to reading signs
and the signs weren't changing
intransigence
they don't seem to know how or want to listen
minds are made up
expectations
here's Johnny
except Johnny wasn't Johnny
what can you do with that
an utter block
an unsustaining compromising floor
you'll never get in there now
you might never work
in this town again
she has quite
poisoned the air for you
and yet done nothing wrong
conscience is clear
perhaps a small mistake
which you turned into rather a larger one
I was quite bewildered
how they could have formed
such an ill conceived idea
can't bear or abide
misattribution
like being wrong, wilfully wrong
about the facts
can hardly do business with that
trying to get one to conform
to your wrongness
you could be in court
for defamation
wrong again, more or less completely




Dilemma

faulty expectations
can just about ruin everything
from the beginning
if you come in, come at it
from a highly prejudiced view
can have no truck with that
can't do business
whirs around in your head
here comes trouble
love and work
love and death
pleasure, pain
that extraordinary way
pain has of persuading you
you'd do just about anything
give (it) up
and yet half of it is
not quite knowing what one wants
well, what have you got
maybe I'm in the wrong place
gravitate
there were themes
and you know that
because they keep coming back
you know if you don't like it
don't go there
ah, fidelity
to the way it is
the way things are
as if you could get half a grip of it
treat her right
but you can be so cruel
so unkind, not even rational
I'm not sure you're seeing this right at all
the nature of the game
the physical, the human, worlds
words will never
they just might
confident about who you are
because they prepared you
they set you up
some more than others
and who were
the chief culprits, perpetrators
whom I must a little disingenuously dub forebears




The Impression

society
sometimes just gets too big
small groups, large groups
tried to fix myself, ah, ongoing
but I can't fix you, though I might try
you're just there
cursing hell at me, maybe
for what I supposedly did
maybe I didn't
we will have to see that out
in the course of time
you come along
you get burned
lost my appetite
course it might come back
who am I
to be
no, I think it is really tough
to feasibly relate
to a large group
perhaps maybe just listen as one can
smaller stuff
circulates and percolates
eventually, over time
we do need structure
just like building a house
it's not going to fall apart
I huffed and I puffed
straw men
rhetoric and reality
you might move despite the hurt
you might move if you want to
there is always this interplay
between the necessary and the possible
what you must, need to do
and what is just, perhaps only possible, contingent
because you want to do it
but don't get too carried away
some of it could be hazardous
esoteric, particularised pursuits, the quieter life
saw it in the paper, on TV, looked, in ways partook
not uncritically
just want to feel
that I can appreciate that new impression
as it appears


© Clark Allison 2015